Me, as a Mom, According to Me

Growing up, I never dreamt of being a mommy. I never really played with dolls (except Barbie, and she was always a rebellious teenager in my world) or played house. I never really saw myself as being a mom with kids. When my other friends would “ooh” and “ahhh” over babies, I never understood it. I didn’t even like to watch kids for money babysit, so I rarely did. Even in college when I was dating Jason, my future husband, I told him that I wasn’t sure about parenthood. He really wanted kids, but I couldn’t promise I would be on board. As you can imagine, there were many heated discussions during our dating life (some of which were regarding this issue). As we headed to the altar, I was open to future conversations about having kids; and Jason supposedly submitted his desires of having a family, but hoped I would change my mind.

Then fast forward three years later. I had gotten the itch for a baby. We’d gotten a dog, which held me off for a few years until I was ready to make a commitment. Because of our work/finance situation, I would need to stay home with our kids (Basically, I’d make negative money if I worked to pay for childcare). So it was a HUGE sacrifice for me to give up my work life to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM – stupid mommy acronyms).

Being pregnant was fun – I love starting something new. I could dream all day about our baby, read and research about parenting, and decorate the nursery. I loveee new beginnings…I love learning and experiencing new things! I wasn’t really thinking about caring for this new baby, but just all the organizational and logistical things that went along with it. But I couldn’t wait to meet her!

Then baby came – Annalise. She was beautiful. I loved her. But it was really hard being a mom. My whole world got turned around, reorganized, and calibrated with a new central focus. Even from just a few days old, I could tell Annalise was alert and curious about the world. She was fun to interact with, but it meant that she was not a good sleeper. (In the first year or so, baby’s sleep dictates how you are doing as a mom. Everything else could be going right, but if baby isn’t sleeping or napping well, mama ain’t so happy!)

But life goes on. Old problems are solved, new problems arise. I love being Annalise’s mommy. I love being her teacher, her guide, her rock. She is great, and lots of fun. But I don’t dote on her like my friends would/do. It’s just not me. It’s not my personality. It was never part of my mental processes. Don’t get me wrong – I love Annalise with all my heart and I would give anything for her. But my heart doesn’t pitter patter when she smiles at me. Compassion doesn’t come as easily when she’s throwing a fit. I am a thinker, not a feeler.

But I love being a mom, and Annalise has brought me more joy than I thought she’d be able to do at this age. Who knew that such a little person could have so much personality already? She got an extra dose of it, that’s for sure (for better and for worse). But this season of with little ones at home is hard for me. I don’t like being depended on for everything. I hate being “needed.” I miss my freedom. I miss the opportunities to be spontaneous. But it is all worth it – in the long run, and in the immediate. And even if it didn’t seem worth it, I’d have to make the best of it. I’m kind of stuck with her!

So if you are like me, and you can’t see yourself as a mom, know that you can be a mom – and a good mom. I am a mom, but like Kelly should be. And thankfully I prayed and asked God to change my heart when Jason and I first got married. And I felt like I was ready to take the plunge into motherhood, albeit ignorantly. Having a child has brought out the best, and the worst, in me. As Gary Chapman’s thesis states, parenthood is designed to make me holier, not happier (love “Sacred Parenting”!) And I will continue to share….stay tuned!

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2 Responses to “Me, as a Mom, According to Me”

  1. Raeanne Says:

    Kelly, I love reading your thoughts!!

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